Scenes from Nothing to Declare, a screenplay by G. Swimelar and I. Jones

Scenes from the screenplay: Nothing to Declare by G. Swimelar and I. Jones

Characters:

Carlos Sanchez, Private Investigator from Mexico City on assignment in Havana

Fabianis – A Cuban woman, taxi driver

Setting: Havana and Mexico City

Havana, Cuba

Carlos Sanchez takes his blue jeans and guayabera shirt from the bed
and puts them on.
EXT – A STREET IN FRONT OF THE HOTEL — LATE AFTERNOON
Carlos jumps in a cab.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Old Havana, por favor.
EXT – INSIDE TAXI CAB – LATE AFTERNOON
The driver takes narrow streets all the way. Carlos is
watching all the Havana street scenes. They come upon the
Plaza de Catedral and the Carlos sees much ambiance in front
of the Patio Restaurant. A Cuban band is playing lively
music, people are sitting at outside tables eating and
drinking, and all sorts of people are dancing to the music —
young, old, couples, people alone. The camera focuses on
one old man with a cigar in his mouth who is visibly swaying
and moving to the music. He is about 80 years old. Many
people are watching him. He looks like he’s in heaven.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Por favor, let me out here!
EXT – PLAZA DE CATEDRAL – LATE AFTERNOON
Carlos gets out and surveys the situation. He starts moving
to the music and saunters up to where people are dancing and
he blends in with them. The other dancers are a diverse
group. One lady is dancing with her baby. She and the baby
are black. As they dance, she motions to ask if he can hold
the baby. He does, and he dances with the baby while she
gets something from her pocket book to give to a friend. As
Carlos is dancing, he spots Fabianis, who is sitting alone
at a table near the bar. She is dressed differently — more
elegantly — she returns his look. Carlos gives the baby
back to his mother and goes to Fabianis.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Como estas hermosa?
FABIANIS
Bien. And it looks like you are
doing well.

CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Can I buy you a drink?
FABIANIS
Of course.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
(to the waiter)
Dos Cristales por favor.
(to Fabianis)
I thought you’d be working.
FABIANIS
I wasn’t working when I picked you
up. You were just there. I was
dropping an Italian friend off at
the airport.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
So you’re not a cabby.
FABIANIS
Yes I am — but I only work at night —
my run starts at midnight.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
You like driving a cab?
FABIANIS
Are you kidding? You’ll find out
that in Cuba people are often educated
to do one thing but do another.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
What were you trained to do?
FABIANIS
I have a degree in industrial
management.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Why don’t you do that?
FABIANIS
Yeah, and make 6 dollars a month?
The waiter brings the drinks.
FABIANIS (CONT’D)
So what’re YOU doing here? Thank
God you got rid of that suit!

CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
I’m investigating a case involving
an American who was here in Havana
on New Year’s Eve — and while he
was here a man was murdered in Cancun —
so I am here to prove his innocence.
FABIANIS
I know the case. I saw it on BBC
World — they didn’t say anything
about Cuba, but everyone here is
talking about it. It involves the
daughter of a big military officer.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
So far I’m having trouble getting
anybody to talk to me about it.
FABIANIS
And you won’t have any luck either.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Why not?
FABIANIS
How much time do you have and how
big is your wallet?
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Oh, you mean I have to bribe people
to get the information?
FABIANIS
No, but I’M not cheap. What do you
think I’m doing here? Looking for
guys to buy me drinks? Hell no.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Are you propositioning me?
FABIANIS
There aren’t any prostitutes in Cuba —
you should know that.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
So what are you getting at?
FABIANIS
Well…, how would you like a massage?
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Sounds interesting. How much?

FABIANIS
For Christ-sakes, keep your voice
down! Fifty sounds fair to me.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Okay, no problem. So, shall we leave?
FABIANIS
Hey, don’t be in such a hurry. Take
it easy. We’ve got to finish our
beers.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
So, tell me, what do you know about
the case of the military officer’s
daughter?
FABIANIS
The police caught her with this
American guy in a hotel — and the
colonel is covering it up so it won’t
bring shame on him and his family.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Yeah?
FABIANIS
He covered the thing up. You won’t
find out shit. The military runs
this entire place.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
You mean I won’t get anything out of
any officials?
FABIANIS
No way.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
And what about civilians, like someone
who may have seen him or served him?
FABIANIS
They might give you info in private —
but they’ll never put anything in
writing or let anyone hear them
telling you anything.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Any ideas?

FABIANIS
Hey, this is going to cost you a bit
more than just a massage, cholo!
What you gotta do is convince the
colonel — and you aren’t going to
do that, plus you may end up in one
of our infamous re-education centers
if he hears what you’re up to.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
So I’m screwed.
FABIANIS
Both you and your client.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
You ready to go?
FABIANIS
Yeah – give these guys a good tip.
Carlos and Fabianis get up — Carlos throws down a dollar
and the waiter nods his approval. They walk through the
plaza on their way to Fabianis’ place.
FABIANIS (CONT’D)
Ya know, I think you’re the wrong
person for this.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
What do you mean?
FABIANIS
The only person who’d have a chance
to get to the colonel and stay out
of jail would be an American lady.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
What? Why?
FABIANIS
Fidel wouldn’t put a gringa in jail
for something like this. It would
be bad press. He’d be pissed big
time at the colonel. You’d never
get into the officer’s club — but a
lady? A lady just might make it.
I’ve been there.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
You wanna job?

FABIANIS
No way! I got two jobs now and I
don’t need another one — well I do —
but you can forget it.
INT – FABIANIS SMALL APARTMENT — NIGHT
Fabianis and Carlos are relaxing on her bed. Fabianis is
inhaling a cigarette.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
God, you are something else, Fabianis!
FABIANIS
I think so.
They just lay there for a few moments. Fabianis having her
cigarette and Jose looking up at the ceiling in a pensive,
blissful state.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Fabianis, is there any other way to
get access to the colonel without
crashing the officer’s club?
FABIANIS
Forget the colonel. Have you thought
of trying to contact his daughter or
her mother? They say she lives in
Trinidad. The colonel would be pissed —
but you never know what kind of power
the mother might have over the father.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Um-hmm.
FABIANIS
I forgot to tell you that there are
rumors that the daughter is pregnant
by this guy, your client.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
You’re shit’n me!
FABIANIS
Why would I shit you? Anyone who
would dance with a little baby can’t
be all bad.
(pause)
Hey, it’s almost midnight, I’ve got
to start my run.

The two are putting on their clothes and are stepping down a
narrow, home-made ladder to get to the lower level of the
tiny, rustic apartment.
FABIANIS (CONT’D)
Watch your step cholo. Let me go
first.
EXT – FRONT OF FABIANIS BUILDING — NIGHT
There is much ambiance on the very dark street. The street
lights are dimmed. There is a bar full of people on the
corner. The people in it are talking loudly and the music
is fully audible on the street.
FABIANIS
Here’s my number if you’re going to
be around. Meet me tomorrow at the
Cafe Monserrate at 8 and I’ll try to
give you some better info — and you
might want another massage.
(smiles)
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Good luck tonight with your run.
FABIANIS
If you call me you’ll get Senora
Martinez. Tell her you want me. You
might have to wait five minutes.
She has to get me on another floor.
And don’t just call to chat, she
charges me a dollar for every call —
so make it worth my time, cholo.
Carlos watches as Fabianis climbs into her 1955 red Plymouth
and chugs away. Carlos catches a government-owned cab passing
by.
EXT – SIDEWALK CAFE – ZONA ROSA – MEXICO CITY — AFTERNOON
Two men are seated at a sidewalk cafe in Mexico City. One
man appears to be an American and the other, Mexican. They
are both wearing suits and appear to be around 55 years of
age.
AMERICAN AGENT
There’s a case coming up involving
an American accused of murder in
Cancun.
MEXICAN OFFICIAL
Murder?

AMERICAN AGENT
Yeah. It happened at Club Med.
MEXICAN OFFICIAL
Ah… yes. I know the case.
AMERICAN AGENT
Has the judge been assigned?
MEXICAN OFFICIAL
Not sure. Why?
AMERICAN AGENT
The American’s an engineer with
Lockheed-Martin. He worked on top
secret drone technology.
MEXICAN OFFICIAL
Yeah?
AMERICAN AGENT
What we’re worried about is that
this guy — Holcomb’s his name —
went to Cuba twice. He’s got a Cuban
lover and she’s pregnant. Her
father’s one of Castro’s high echelon
military men. Bottom line – we don’t
like the way this one smells.
MEXICAN OFFICIAL
You think this guy will eventually
end up in Cuba if he beats the rap
and share drone technology?
AMERICAN AGENT
You’re on the right track. Actually
we’re afraid the Cubans may make a
deal with Holcomb through the
Mexicans. The deal would be, “You
give us drone technology and we give
you a tropical island, your lover
and child with all the comforts of
home.”
MEXICAN OFFICIAL
That’s preposterous! The guy’s highly
educated. Americans don’t defect to
Cuba!
AMERICAN AGENT
An American who faces a murder rap
and has a lover in Cuba would gladly
(MORE)

AMERICAN AGENT (CONT’D)
defect to Cuba. This wouldn’t be a
simple defection — to Holcomb it’s
defect or die. They’ve got him by
the balls — in more ways than one.
MEXICAN OFFICIAL
You guys don’t take any risks, do
you?
AMERICAN AGENT
You got it. Even if he doesn’t defect —
just being in Cuba with a military
family puts us at risk. A drone
isn’t just a drone anymore. Holcomb
has the capability to make drones
order breakfast and deliver it
anywhere in the world on a silver
platter.
MEXICAN OFFICIAL
So what are you asking for?
AMERICAN AGENT
Just get the right judge in place.
You’re gonna have to hurry.
MEXICAN OFFICIAL
I’ll see what I can do.
AMERICAN AGENT
You get it done and the funds will
be deposited in Zurich.
EXT – FRONT ENTRANCE OF HOTEL LINCOLN — NIGHT
Carlos’ cab stops at the Hotel Lincoln. Carlos pays the
driver and enters the hotel lobby and walks to the elevator.
INT – CARLOS HOTEL ROOM — NIGHT
Carlos is just getting into bed when he hears a knock at the
door. He jumps up and pulls on his trousers. He goes to
the door and listens. He hears another knock.
CARLOS SANCHEZ, INVESTIGATOR
Who is it?
THUG
Hotel security. Open up please.
Carlos opens the door a crack and a thug barrels in, breaking
the door chain and pushing Carlos to the floor.

A Scene from the stage play, The Committee… (c) I. Jones & G. Swimelar

ACT 3, SCENE 4

INT. OPEN STAGE WITH A CONFERENCE TABLE AT THE MID-RIGHT, A “PULL UP” BAR IS ON THE LEFT AND SOME OPEN SPACE FROM THE LEFT — LATER

(Tupac, JFK, and Hoffa are on one side of the stage and Tupac is giving them hip hop dance lessons.  Tupac controls the music which is on a jam box.)

TUPAC

Okay, like this… hey, are you sure you guys want to do this?

HOFFA

Hell no!  I want to go back to pull-ups.

JFK

Tupac — you aren’t going to give up on us are you?

TUPAC

Fuck no!  What the hell else do I have to do here in this tank?  At least I can get my own thing going from the music.

(Tupac does a few dance steps.)

Okay, now you guys have to get your shit together.

JFK

I’m trying Tupac!

(As JFK goes through some steps trying to copy Tupac.  Hoffa is also trying to hip hop.)

(The lights dim and the scene closes with the three of them practicing hip hop dancing.)

ACT 3, SCENE 5

INT. OPEN STAGE WITH A CONFERENCE TABLE AT THE MID-RIGHT, A “PULL UP” BAR IS ON THE LEFT AND SOME OPEN SPACE FROM THE LEFT — LATER

(Tupac is taking charge.)

TUPAC

Ok, move the conference table to the side.

(All but JFK, MLK, and Tupac move committee table to the side.)

ELVIS

Hey, is this for real?

TUPAC

It absolutely is — these guys are going to compete in hip hop dancing, and you guys are going to be the judges.  Ok, make room for the contestants!

WALT DISNEY

Shoot, I wish I had my movie camera!

TUPAC

You might be glad you don’t have it after you see this.

HOFFA

I don’t care how I look as long as I win.

MALCOLM X

That’s the idea, Jimmy, “by any means necessary!”

TUPAC

Hey, did you really say that shit?

MALCOLM X

Yeah, I did, Tupac — I’m not sure I’d say it now though, it’s a different era.

TUPAC

Hey don’t be so fast — things are still fucked up.

WALT DISNEY

I could never understand why some people are racist.  I never was.

TUPAC

Yeah, sure Walt, I hear ya, brother.

WALT DISNEY

Hey, let’s get the contest going!

TUPAC

Oh yeah, Jimmy and JFK — go over there — I need to introduce you.

(Hoffa and JFK go to their respective corners.  Tupac takes on the role of a typical announcer of a heavyweight championship fight.)

TUPAC

Ladies and gentlemen…shit, we ain’t got no ladies here!

(pause)

Are you ready to rumble!!!!  We have here two honorable competitors who have agreed to forego gang-banging and pull-up competition in order to compete as gentlemen in the performing arts, which, of course is a more civilized and dignified way to settle differences.

MLK

Why can’t they talk over their differences?

TUPAC

Well, I think they have — this is just for a personal kind of challenge…  I want to emphasize that yours truly is NOT responsible for the actual quality of the performances of these two fine contenders.  OK, will the two contenders please present themselves.

(JFK and Hoffa move to either side of Tupac, who has a microphone in his hand — or somethin’ that can look like or serve as a microphone.)

TUPAC

On my left, we have champion pull-upper, Mr. James R. Hoffa, former President of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters; a labor organizer who dedicated himself, when he wasn’t pissing people off, to the idea that all American workers would be respected and paid a livable wage.  And on my right, the challenger, President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who needs no introduction —

JFK

Oh, come on, Tupac, give me some sugar too.

TUPAC

OK, this is the man who beat the shit out of Richard M. Nixon in a nationally televised debate.

JFK

That’s more like it.

WALT DISNEY

You’re just lucky that Nixon couldn’t find a three track razor!

(laughs)

TUPAC

Gentlemen, you’ve agreed to a coin toss to determine who will perform first — Jimmy, you call it in the air.

(Tupac tosses a coin.)

HOFFA

Head!

(Tupac catches the coin and slaps it on the back of his hand.)

TUPAC

What do you mean, “head?”  It’s either “heads” or “tails.”

HOFFA

Heads!  Heads!

TUPAC

Tails it is!

HOFFA

Oh shit!

TUPAC

Mr. President, you have your choice — to go first or second.

JFK

I will let Jimmy go first to see what he’s got.

ELVIS

Good decision, Jack.

TUPAC

Hey, no help from the audience!

(looking at Elvis)

Okay, Jimmy, you’re on.

(Tupac puts on the music. Hoffa gets out there and does a fairly good job of hip hop dancing.  He really gets the committee onto their feet!  They are whooping and hollering and cheering.  Jimmy has a big smile on his face and really enjoys playing the crowd.)

TUPAC

Whew!  That wasn’t bad.  All right, Jimmy!  Where the hell did you learn those moves?  I know you didn’t learn that watching American Bandstand!

HOFFA

(trying to catch his breath)

Shoot, I wish I had learned to dance.  I could have had a fuckin’ ball at those union hall get-togethers.

TUPAC

That’s going to be a hard act to beat – but JFK’s got a lot riding on this – so let’s see what he’s got – Mr. President —

(JFK comes out with a hip hop type uniform — long jean shorts or jeans that are obviously too big for him — and he has his underwear showing from the top.)

(The music begins.  JFK starts going through his moves.  Tupac is rolling on the floor — so are the committee members.  JFK stops dancing.)

JFK

Wait a minute, this isn’t the song I practiced with.

HOFFA

Hey, if you’re good you ought to be able to do it to any song!

TUPAC

OK, Mr. Pres — you are right — my mistake — hold on — okay, judges — forget what you just saw — let’s give him another chance.  Here you go —

(JFK starts dancing, but doing really well this time.  The judges are whooping it up and cheering.  Hoffa is showing a look of surprise.  JFK actually does some difficult moves — and does them quite well.  The judges continue to cheer and clap.)

TUPAC (Continued)

Whoa!  I don’t think I was ready for that.  Dude, you must have been practicing when I wasn’t looking — or did you find some stuff around here.

HOFFA

Yeah, we need some drug testing.  This could become an Olympic sport.

TUPAC

Who’s talking about drugs — I was talking about booty!

(smile)

OK – folks — it’s time to vote.

(Lennon passes out ballots and the judges mark them.  Elvis collects them.)

TUPAC (Continued)

Elvis, give them to Dr. King to count.

(MLK counts — and makes a total.)

TUPAC (Continued)

Do we have a winner?

MLK

We most certainly do.

TUPAC

Will both contestants present themselves.

(pause)

Before we hear the verdict, I want to congratulate each contestant on having the guts to get out here and embarrass the shit out of yourself.  This would be like me competing in snow skiing!  Ya done good — and no matter who ever wins —

JOHN LENNON

We love ya both!

TUPAC

Yeah — we love ya both.

HOFFA

Come on — I can take it!

TUPAC

The verdict, Dr. King…

MLK

It was close — just like a supreme court decision — we have a 3 to 2 result.  The winner is John Fitzgerald Kennedy!

(All judges and Tupac surround both competitors and they give each other “high 5’s” then form a bilateral hug — which closes into a whole group hug with appropriate sounds of mutual support.)